My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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