i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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