My Higher Power is John Stamos
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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