Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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