I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
