so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
