I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
