he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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