i just made my gag reflex go away.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize