Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
