rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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