Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
