Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize