Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
