I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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