my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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