i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
