i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
