Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
