I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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