Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Is it because I queefed?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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