Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
