I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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