Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
