I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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