Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
