I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
