i wish peter jackson would direct porn
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
