New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
