would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
