I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
