Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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