Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
