i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
