my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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