During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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