Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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