sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
