Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
