I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
