those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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