The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
pop tarts are not kleenex
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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