you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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