i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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