Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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