this beer tastes like vomit already
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
