I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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