On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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