Barsexuality is the new black.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
