i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
