Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
