I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
