Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
