Pants 0. Shit 1.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
