New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
