batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
