I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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